Things I have learned so far:
1) you are only half responsible for the collapse of a marriage - usually.
2) Success or failure is equal parts effort and pure chance
3) BITE-YOUR-TONGUE always
4) Maintaining a professional tone will always help you keep your temper, after all this is now essentially a contract being dissolved albeit a marriage contract. View it as objectively as you would a business matter and it will go a long way to keeping an even temper.
5) As a huge fan of Audrey Hepburn, I think WWAD? She too got a divorce and did so with the utmost grace. I strive to be as she was.
6) You can only count on yourself, which is not a bad thing. Don't count on your friends being there for you or being able to understand what you are going through. Expect mutual friends to distance themselves completely. Everyone has their own lives and your drama is way too much for a third party to handle - unless you are paying them.
7) Keeping a schedule of good sleeping and eating habits will help you cope better.
8) Boxing is by far the best thing to do to let out your frustration. If it helps, paste an 8 x 10 photo of ex-spouse to a speed bag. Not very Zen but who gives a shit? (haven't needed to do this one yet)
Sadly this will not be the last of the divorce diary posts. It is just the beginning. Stay tuned.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Heart on Your Bumper
I have a confession to make - I like making observational rants about things no one really cares about and, in the long run, doesn't make a difference one way or the other. A guilty pleasure of mine, much like vodka -er, coffee in the morning.
I spend a lot of time driving, A LOT, my morning commute can range anywhere from 45 minutes to 4 hours (no exaggeration, it happened) and then I repeat it at the end of the day. I'm not sure if I'm more pissed off in the morning anticipating my day to come or at the end of it when I've endured my day and I have to do it again tomorrow. Needless to say when I'm commuting I'm not very perky. I also commit a terrible sin against the environment, I drive, I hate public transit for two reasons - 1) it's unreliable where I live not to mention extremely expensive and 2) I don't want to listen to other people's crap whether on their cellphones talking at rock concert volumes or trying to talk to me about their gastrointestinal issues. I like my solitude. I spend all day everyday talking and listening to people so my commute is me time. Just me and my crap. But wait! There are bumper stickers. Since the drive can't physically talk my ear off, he or she decides to heap their opinions and views on me with a bumper stick which I will spend the better part of my traffic jam staring at.
Just take a look a few of these examples: "I love my Husband" - good for you
"I love my Wife" - aw thats sweet; "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter" - I thought Jesus' step-father was the carpenter?; "1 Cross + 3 Nails = 4 given" - that's clever. The religious ones just make me roll my eyes, that's nice you have faith, good for you. But these ones get my blood boiling: "Aren't you glad your mom was Pro-Life?" - yeah very glad, she got stupid drunk and kicked my ass down the stairs when I was 10, so much better than the abortion part (my mum never did that but some do); "Abortion: Big people killing little people" - ok so should we pull over and debate whether or not a fetus is a person or...?; "Save Social Security - Stop Aborting Future Contributors!" - uh, what guarantee do we have that the kids will get a job versus be still living with you at 40?; Or my all time favorite "It took two to conceive... where's the man's "choice"?" Uh, well does he want to carry it?; And finally this was on the back of a tempo with, I swear 4 kids in the back and one up front "Abortion kills children" - clearly not yours!
It actually gets me upset. I don't have a single bumper sticker on my car for two reasons 1) its tacky and 2) why do you care what I think anyway? I'll bet if I put a sticker on my car that said "my dog is cuter and smarter than your kid" it would offend people, but that's what I think about a lot of people's kids, but it doesn't mean I have to put it on my car.
I guess what I'm really getting at is why not keep your car clean and let everyone enjoy their coffee in peace without turning the highway into a podium for your views. Also have you considered that while people are occupied trying to read what the sticker says they may get distracted? Yep should be illegal.
I spend a lot of time driving, A LOT, my morning commute can range anywhere from 45 minutes to 4 hours (no exaggeration, it happened) and then I repeat it at the end of the day. I'm not sure if I'm more pissed off in the morning anticipating my day to come or at the end of it when I've endured my day and I have to do it again tomorrow. Needless to say when I'm commuting I'm not very perky. I also commit a terrible sin against the environment, I drive, I hate public transit for two reasons - 1) it's unreliable where I live not to mention extremely expensive and 2) I don't want to listen to other people's crap whether on their cellphones talking at rock concert volumes or trying to talk to me about their gastrointestinal issues. I like my solitude. I spend all day everyday talking and listening to people so my commute is me time. Just me and my crap. But wait! There are bumper stickers. Since the drive can't physically talk my ear off, he or she decides to heap their opinions and views on me with a bumper stick which I will spend the better part of my traffic jam staring at.
Just take a look a few of these examples: "I love my Husband" - good for you
"I love my Wife" - aw thats sweet; "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter" - I thought Jesus' step-father was the carpenter?; "1 Cross + 3 Nails = 4 given" - that's clever. The religious ones just make me roll my eyes, that's nice you have faith, good for you. But these ones get my blood boiling: "Aren't you glad your mom was Pro-Life?" - yeah very glad, she got stupid drunk and kicked my ass down the stairs when I was 10, so much better than the abortion part (my mum never did that but some do); "Abortion: Big people killing little people" - ok so should we pull over and debate whether or not a fetus is a person or...?; "Save Social Security - Stop Aborting Future Contributors!" - uh, what guarantee do we have that the kids will get a job versus be still living with you at 40?; Or my all time favorite "It took two to conceive... where's the man's "choice"?" Uh, well does he want to carry it?; And finally this was on the back of a tempo with, I swear 4 kids in the back and one up front "Abortion kills children" - clearly not yours!
It actually gets me upset. I don't have a single bumper sticker on my car for two reasons 1) its tacky and 2) why do you care what I think anyway? I'll bet if I put a sticker on my car that said "my dog is cuter and smarter than your kid" it would offend people, but that's what I think about a lot of people's kids, but it doesn't mean I have to put it on my car.
I guess what I'm really getting at is why not keep your car clean and let everyone enjoy their coffee in peace without turning the highway into a podium for your views. Also have you considered that while people are occupied trying to read what the sticker says they may get distracted? Yep should be illegal.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Pro-Choice Part II
So here I am again pontificating on the pro-life movement that seems to be gaining more ground and more advertising space. The current U.S Supreme court has several right wing members (particularly Scalia and Thomas) that would over turn Roe v. Wade whole hog in a heartbeat if permitted. Luckily they do have their left wing counterparts who are pro-choice (Stevens and Ginsburg). The right-wing is currently trying a "what about how the mother feels after an abortion?" tack. They claim that abortion is so traumatic for the woman that other alternatives should be explored.
Well, gentlemen (and the pro-life movement is predominantly men in Senate, ladies!) here's an alternate for you: The woman in question is 22, new grad, decent job. She's so busy that she had been so tired she fell asleep before taking her birth control at night a couple nights in a row. She sleeps with her boyfriend of two years. She becomes pregnant. He flips and bails saying his life can't go down like that (this is the option of all men, bail and they don't have to deal with it. Now have an opinion gentlemen). She doesn't want a baby period at this stage in her life never mind as a single mum but she decides to have the baby. She takes another job after the baby is born because $15/hour isn't cutting it. The kid grows up virtually without a mother since she works all the time. While her mother is at her night job, now 15 year old kid is hanging with friends, no one to check up on her. Drugs, sex, violence ensue. The kid has abandonment issues and a whole lot of insecurity that she tries to comfort in the arms of boys and mind altering substances. The story, as you can imagine does not continue well. But the mother took on her responsibilities, didn't abort a collection of cells and cause herself trauma. Instead the above scenario happened and now she has a traumatized 15 year old human, she herself is traumatized and anyone mixed up in the fall out. See my point? To spare a possible lifetime of hurt to a thinking, breathing and active human, doesn't the expulsion of a few cells and a few months of counselling seem to be the lesser of two evils? I'm not saying this happens to all single mothers and their children but the possibilities are much higher than the "conventional" way of having children.
I have seen a lot of parents who shouldn't be and their 'effed up kids. These kids become adults and take a whole lifetime of bad baggage with them. I have seen children born to parents who didn't want them develop diseases that are unheard of in the 21st century developed world through neglect and ignorance.
So my long winded point is, before casting a vote on what is traumatic to the mother and society as a whole, turn the situation over and examine every angle. Not ever child is blessed with fuzzy onesies and a good life and the life long damage that a less than loving upbringing can reap is no less than catastrophic.
Well, gentlemen (and the pro-life movement is predominantly men in Senate, ladies!) here's an alternate for you: The woman in question is 22, new grad, decent job. She's so busy that she had been so tired she fell asleep before taking her birth control at night a couple nights in a row. She sleeps with her boyfriend of two years. She becomes pregnant. He flips and bails saying his life can't go down like that (this is the option of all men, bail and they don't have to deal with it. Now have an opinion gentlemen). She doesn't want a baby period at this stage in her life never mind as a single mum but she decides to have the baby. She takes another job after the baby is born because $15/hour isn't cutting it. The kid grows up virtually without a mother since she works all the time. While her mother is at her night job, now 15 year old kid is hanging with friends, no one to check up on her. Drugs, sex, violence ensue. The kid has abandonment issues and a whole lot of insecurity that she tries to comfort in the arms of boys and mind altering substances. The story, as you can imagine does not continue well. But the mother took on her responsibilities, didn't abort a collection of cells and cause herself trauma. Instead the above scenario happened and now she has a traumatized 15 year old human, she herself is traumatized and anyone mixed up in the fall out. See my point? To spare a possible lifetime of hurt to a thinking, breathing and active human, doesn't the expulsion of a few cells and a few months of counselling seem to be the lesser of two evils? I'm not saying this happens to all single mothers and their children but the possibilities are much higher than the "conventional" way of having children.
I have seen a lot of parents who shouldn't be and their 'effed up kids. These kids become adults and take a whole lifetime of bad baggage with them. I have seen children born to parents who didn't want them develop diseases that are unheard of in the 21st century developed world through neglect and ignorance.
So my long winded point is, before casting a vote on what is traumatic to the mother and society as a whole, turn the situation over and examine every angle. Not ever child is blessed with fuzzy onesies and a good life and the life long damage that a less than loving upbringing can reap is no less than catastrophic.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
It's Not Rape Exactly...
I am really shocked at myself for having taken this long to write about the "Marital rape law" or "Shia Family Law" as it is formally known, (I laughed too) that has been in the press lately. The law states “is bound to preen for her husband as and when he desires”. Another passage sanctions marital rape. “As long as the husband is not travelling he has the right to have sexual intercourse with his wife every fourth night . . . Unless the wife is ill or has any kind of illness that intercourse could aggravate, the wife is bound to give a positive response to the sexual desires of her husband.” Mmmm, just makes a woman want to throw off her burka and make sweet love to her husband doesn't it? I know nothing melts my butter like a militant government order to get screwed - literally- by my husband. But wait! That's not all folks, here we have Article 133 that states “A wife cannot leave the house without the permission of the husband” unless in a medical or other emergency." Well, what's a girl to do?
After International pressure was applied to the Afghan Government, they clarified themselves, I am paraphrasing here but the explanation went something like, a wife can refuse sex and if she does her husband doesn't have to feed her. Oh well, when you put it that way! If they had said 'no sex, no Visa card' that's a choice, hey I can live without shoes for a while but no sex, no food? Umm, not really a choice there boys!
This 'law' clearly has its supporters, not surprising mostly comprised of men, and is likely a campaign boosting attempt to gain votes before the upcoming election for which the already unpopular president is campaigning to be re-elected. The law, however, only applies to the Shiite Muslims, 15% of the Afghan population! These people hate the West (I'm making a blanket statement I realize, but stay with me...), they think we are on our high horse so to speak, that we feel superior to other cultures. This is not untrue. We do, and this is both warranted and unwarranted depending on the context, but what we can hold our heads up and say is that while Germaine Greer's dream of total gender equality in its utopian presentation has yet to be realized (if ever), we still treat our women as humans. The Afghanis would say this is why we have a demoralized, areligious, and promiscuous society. Yep sure do, but I don't see the men holding their hands up and saying no. They are as much a part of women's promiscuity, women have the freedom to choose what they do and with whom. I feel our society, with its flaws, has flourished with the inclusion of women in active society. Imagine the workforce without women. Most of healthcare would be absent, for example. I work in healthcare and certainly the XX chromosome group far outweighs the XY.
One has to wonder, even with a cursory knowledge of the Qu'ran, when and why this abhorrent treatment of women became not only accepted and practiced, but also legislated? I am proud to see that the women fought back against this law in the face of treats of bodily harm and mobs of angry men. Imagine, dear sisters, what panic and widespread horror would be brought on your men if you enacted a Lysistrada-like protest on your men? They would be brought to their knees, which is the perfect height to step on their...rights.
After International pressure was applied to the Afghan Government, they clarified themselves, I am paraphrasing here but the explanation went something like, a wife can refuse sex and if she does her husband doesn't have to feed her. Oh well, when you put it that way! If they had said 'no sex, no Visa card' that's a choice, hey I can live without shoes for a while but no sex, no food? Umm, not really a choice there boys!
This 'law' clearly has its supporters, not surprising mostly comprised of men, and is likely a campaign boosting attempt to gain votes before the upcoming election for which the already unpopular president is campaigning to be re-elected. The law, however, only applies to the Shiite Muslims, 15% of the Afghan population! These people hate the West (I'm making a blanket statement I realize, but stay with me...), they think we are on our high horse so to speak, that we feel superior to other cultures. This is not untrue. We do, and this is both warranted and unwarranted depending on the context, but what we can hold our heads up and say is that while Germaine Greer's dream of total gender equality in its utopian presentation has yet to be realized (if ever), we still treat our women as humans. The Afghanis would say this is why we have a demoralized, areligious, and promiscuous society. Yep sure do, but I don't see the men holding their hands up and saying no. They are as much a part of women's promiscuity, women have the freedom to choose what they do and with whom. I feel our society, with its flaws, has flourished with the inclusion of women in active society. Imagine the workforce without women. Most of healthcare would be absent, for example. I work in healthcare and certainly the XX chromosome group far outweighs the XY.
One has to wonder, even with a cursory knowledge of the Qu'ran, when and why this abhorrent treatment of women became not only accepted and practiced, but also legislated? I am proud to see that the women fought back against this law in the face of treats of bodily harm and mobs of angry men. Imagine, dear sisters, what panic and widespread horror would be brought on your men if you enacted a Lysistrada-like protest on your men? They would be brought to their knees, which is the perfect height to step on their...rights.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Welcome to Canada
You left your home country and came to Canada to provide a better life for your family. The country you left, for any number of reasons, wasn't providing you with the opportunities that you needed and felt that Canada was a better bet. In some ways it is. You have children here, they go to school here and come of age here. You maintain your cultural values and traditions which is what makes Canada such a diverse place to live. Then your son or daughter brings home a white person or a person with differing traditions to your own. This makes you upset, scared and disappointed. There are two things to do; 1) deal with it 2) pitch a fit, tear apart the family and make everyone miserable in the quest to preserve tradition and conformity.
I have seen this first hand so many times that I wonder if we truly are as diverse and accepting as we think. So many marriages are entered into solely because each party is from the same part of the old country, the parents have applied so much pressure that to do otherwise would cause unbelievable hardship. So the kids conceed to a marriage of convenience.
Just a thought - why go to a country with such a diverse landscape of races and cultures and expect children raised within this diversity to ultimately marry only those with the same origins? Isn't love difficult enough to come by without the unnecessary criteria? Something to think about.
I have seen this first hand so many times that I wonder if we truly are as diverse and accepting as we think. So many marriages are entered into solely because each party is from the same part of the old country, the parents have applied so much pressure that to do otherwise would cause unbelievable hardship. So the kids conceed to a marriage of convenience.
Just a thought - why go to a country with such a diverse landscape of races and cultures and expect children raised within this diversity to ultimately marry only those with the same origins? Isn't love difficult enough to come by without the unnecessary criteria? Something to think about.
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